St. Patrick’s Day: a celebration of one of the world’s most compelling, mystical, literature-rich, and flat-out gorgeous countries, or a messy 24 hours co-opted by shamrock-sporting men and women who can’t hold their booze the world over? Yes, and yes! No further reason needed then to present Crimefeed’s non-date sensitive list of the World’s Dumbest Drunks. Don’t kiss them—even if they’re wearing green.
1. The Drunk Who Called 911 For a Ride to the Liquor Store
Unfortunately for the gentleman in question, the definition of ’emergency’ when it comes to 911 is NOT subjective. Yes, running out of booze and needing to make a run to the liquor store might constitute an emergency in your household. But no, it’s not the type of emergency that 911 first responders like to be bothered with. Talk about your party fouls.
2. Drunk Driver Reports Herself To Cops
911: “Are you behind them?”
Mary: “No, I am them.”
911: “You am them?”
Mary: “Yes, I am them.”
Ok Mary may not be getting any civic (or grammar) awards, but at least when she saw something (herself driving drunk), she did something (called the cops on herself).
3. Drunk Couple Tries To Order Tacos From Cop
An Oklahoma couple found out the hard way that just because a cop might be standing near the order window of a taco joint drive thru, that doesn’t necessarily mean that cop has tacos for sale. After ordering hamburgers (at a taco place) in heavily slurred speech, an Oklahoma couple passed out in their vehicle. Employees called the cops, who raced over, but not before the couple, slowed by too many drinks and manic with the munchies, woke with a start and began ‘fistfighting’ in the car. When a police officer arrived to speak with them, they felt they had no choice but to order tacos from the officer. The rest is internet infamy.
4. Man Realizes He’s Drunk, Attempts to ‘Drive It Off’
One of the first, and most crucial, casualties of any inebriation session is logic. Some recent evidence? The explanation Florida man Michael Moore gave police when they pulled him over for speeding and then noticed signs of drunkenness: he was ‘driving it off.’ Which is good, because he told cops he was on his way to a bar to have some more drinks.
5. Man Drives Drunks, Brags About It On Facebook
Did you just win your bowling league? Go ahead and update your Facebook status. How about celebrate a birthday? Sure, post a few photos, your friends would love to see. How about drive drunk and hit a car? Perhaps spreading the word via social media isn’t the best idea. A good idea? Not driving drunk in the first place.
6. Man Gets Drunk, Urinates On Grocery Store Chicken
When you gotta go, you gotta go. And when you’re intoxicated, the number of places that seem to be good places to go suddenly opens way up, including, but not limited to, grocery stores, particularly the poultry section. It was in just such a location, specifically, a North Little Rock, AR Kroger, that one Jerry Patterson relieved himself. He later ate a large package of ham.
7. Drunk Man Tries To Commandeer Freight Train
James Bond he is not. Robert Narone, Jr, of Jefferson, OH, was overcome with alcohol-fueled delusions of Tom Cruise-ian grandeur last fall, jumping on a CSX freight and sloshing forward, car by car, until he reached the locomotive, where he attempted to wrest control of the speeding train as it rumbled through the Pennsylvania night. The engineer and conductor were unmoved, and Narone was later charged with public drunkenness and criminal trespass.
8. Drunk and Naked Teen Steals Construction Bobcat For Nude Joyride
Why steal a construction Bobcat front loader and take it on a drunken joyride? Because you’re naked and need to get home. Duh. Enjoy those felony theft, public intoxication, underage consumption, misdemeanor vandalism, and indecent exposure charges, Joseph Michael Hall of Knox Cnty, TN.