Edward Cocaine The Druggie & 9 Other Criminals With The Most Ironic Names Ever

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Edward Cocaine, Florida

What’s in a name? A lot…if your last name happens to be Cocaine.

The Sun Sentinel reports that a Fort Lauderdale man by the name of Ed Cocaine caused a judge to break his poker face when the suspect appeared in court for….wait for it…possession of Xanax charges. Naturally. 

Cocaine’s exchange with the judge could have been a comedy bit, only it was real:

“What’s your last name?”

“My last name is Cocaine.” 

“You know, I’d thought I’d seen it all. How many times have the police told you to step out of the car during your life?”

“Just about every time I get pulled over…My great-grandparents came over here from Greece and they changed it.”


My unsolicited advice for Ed Cocaine: Either change your name or quit carrying  drugs on your person.

Here are nine more criminals with very, very unfortunate names:

1) Name: Mister Love 

Accused Of: Unlawful Sexual Conduct With A Minor

When accused of being a sex offender, the name Mister Love couldn’t possibly be any more incriminating.

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2) Name: Joseph Moron 

 Accused Of: Stalking, Kidnapping, Assault And Burglary 

Colorado man, Joseph Moron was a real moron for going on the lam with his laundry list of charges.

“He’s in the wind at this point,” said the Aurora Police Department.

Yes, the wind. The place where Morons disappear to.

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3) Name: Conor P. Fudge 

Accused Of: Ice Cream Store Theft

The former Cold Stone Creamery employee stole $501 worth of cakes, ice cream and cash from an Iowa City location. Let’s hope he ate all of his spoils before they melted. On the upside, at least he didn’t steal any hot fudge from the store. That would have been too obvious.

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4) Name: Patrick Molesti 

 Accused Of: Trying To Buy A Child Online

I had no idea children were even sold online. But apparently, Patrick Molesti, a French national living in Georgia, thought they were. He was accused of trying to buy a 5-year-old child online. One can only hope his name wasn’t any indication of what he planned to do to the child.

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5) Name: Draco Slaughter 

Accused Of: Making A Bomb Threat On An Airplane

Mr. Slaughter confessed to having a bomb in his carry-on luggage on a flight from Chicago to Long Island. Authorities were unable to find any explosive devices in the 75-year-old’s luggage. Best case scenario: early onset dementia.

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6) Name: Leonard Dickman 

Accused Of: Public Indecency

This 90-year-old Ohio man was accused of sitting in his red Kia Rio and exposing his private parts by raising the leg of his shorts. According to arrest reports, he also tried to grope an undercover officer. If only he’d kept his Dickman in his pants.

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7) Name: Daniel Noody 

Accused Of: Public Lewdness And Endangering The Welfare Of A Child

School bus drivers should never get nudie when children are near. Daniel Noody of New York allegedly exposed himself in an elementary school parking lot. Awful idea.

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8) Jackmeoff Mudd 

Accused Of: Assault, Disorderly Conduct, Resisting An Officer, Possession Of Alcohol On The Beach And Carrying An Open Beverage In Public

Jackmeoff Mudd’s parents should be brought to justice for giving their son the most uncouth name of all time. Of course, he lives in Florida.

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9) Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop 

Accused Of: Carrying A Concealed Weapon, Possession Of Drug Paraphernalia And Possession Of Marijuana

Does it count if Beezow Doo-Doo Zoopittybop-Bop-Bop wasn’t legally born with that name? Sure does. When your favorite activities include: “eating,” “standing,” walking,” “thinking,” and “diamond,” there’s really nothing else you can call yourself.

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