Man Admits To Ejaculating In Coworker’s Coffee As Way To Win Her Affection

How do you take your coffee? Without semen, hopefully.

After being spotted ejaculating on a coworker’s desk—and in her cup of joe—a Minnesota man is being charged with two counts of criminal sexual conduct.

The bad barista behavior went down at Beisswenger’s hardware store in New Brighton where  an employee saw 34-year-old John R. Lind leaving “bodily fluids” on her work station.

Unaware anyone was watching him, Lind was spooked once he’d been caught and immediately left the room, slamming the door behind him.

Suspects don’t usually hang around the scene of the crime, but according to reports, “Seconds later, Lind came back, told the worker he had a question for her but forgot it. He then left the area.”

Not to get all graphic, but when the female worker closely inspected her desk, she found Lind’s, um, essence everywhere. In addition to the surface damage, which included body fulids in her java and on a nearby scrunchie, it was also found dripping onto the floor.

As if that wasn’t bad enough — WAIT FOR IT — this wasn’t the first time Lind allegedly blew his wad on her work space. After sitting down with police at the New Brighton Public Safety Center, he admitted to ejaculating on the area six times over the last six months—twice in her coffee and four times on her desk. He also admitted to using her scrunchie to wipe up the mess.

Lind claimed his behavior stemmed from a crush on the coworker and was a warped attempt to get her to notice him.

“The worker told police that her coffee had tasted strange on numerous occasions – more than twice in the last several months. She said she initially thought the taste was spoiled cream, but when police informed her that Lind admitted to tampering with her coffee, she said ‘I knew it.'”

Lind will face the charges in court on Sept. 29. If convicted on both counts, he could get more than a year in prison and/or a $4,500 fine.

Next time, send flowers, dude.

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Photo: iStock/Thinkstock

  • Madelyne Dougherty

    How do you not notice a crunchy scrunchie?

    • COOK6135

      I just got paid >Navigate To Any Link IN SITE To Get More Information

    • MelissaMason

      Internet won!!

  • Todd

    I would say this story is a hoax

  • greg

    He thought if he did this she would LIKE him, seriously, there are no words

  • Kate O’Connell

    Who wears scrunchies anymore?

    • Sherri Wetsch

      probably not her anymore

  • *snicker*

    the only thing that comes to mind is a song from the wayans brothers show XD

  • Cher L

    I would say this is “rapist” in the making…

    • eyebeam

      No, just your standard sympathetic magic ritual.

  • Alex

    So no flowers?
    This man love techniques need an adjustment.

  • viperjack

    Whats the law for spreading aids when you know you have it. He should get the same amount of time. Has he been checked for any sex disease.

  • Mary Strobridge

    Body fulids?Heard of body fluids but not body fulids.

  • Tanisha

    Wow… she done drank his kids. I’m sorry but how she didn’t know the way cum tastes.

    • Mauricio Artunduaga Conde

      do you know how it taste ? woww you are good

  • Mary Strobridge


  • Bob Telemachus

    I want to laugh out loud so hard at this story but I’m in a library. Darn it..