Keep It In Your Pants: What’s Popping Up (and Out) in Crotch Crimes

Photo: Public Domain Pictures

Peruse our round-up of recently unzipped phallocentric exposures, erect aggressions, and other loin-centric violations of various legal statutes. You might want to keep your legs crossed.

Weinergate: The Teen Years

Earlier in September, embattled former Congressman and serial sexter Anthony Weiner reportedly escalated his high-tech transgressions from the merely scandalous to the potentially illegal, as he is alleged to have sent illicit messages to a 15-year-old girl.

Weiner’s wife, Hillary Clinton strategist Huma Abedin, left their marriage in August following the revelation that he had sent a woman a photo of his underpants-clad crotch while in bed, with the couple’s four-year-old son visible next to him. Now some sources believe Weiner is headed to prison.

Washington, D.C., attorney and former Queens Assistant District Attorney Jill Cohen told the New York Post she believes Wiener will face jail time. She also speculates that “this could be the tip of the iceberg with a minor. This is not the first schoolgirl he wants to see in her uniform… I would not want to be his lawyer. He is not going to win this case.” [New York Post]

NYPD Hunt for Masturbator Who Lured Boy to Minivan

Brooklyn cops are attempting to locate an adult male motorist who lured a Hasidic Jewish boy, age 9, into his vehicle and then masturbated next to him on September 14.

The transgression occurred in the Borough Park neighborhood just a few blocks away from where an eight-year-old Hasidic boy was abducted and murdered in 2011.

The boy in the recent incident had been out collecting money for his Yeshiva. The motorist offered him $5 to get inside his minivan. After he masturbated, the man gave the child a $100 bill.

The boy’s parents reported the occurrence to authorities immediately, turning over the $100 bill and their son’s pants, which may have been stained with DNA evidence. The suspect is described as being an Orthodox Jewish male in his late thirties or early forties. [New York Daily News]

Florida Man Pours Cup of Semen on Panera Customer

Patrick Bruce, Leon County Jail

Patrick Bruce [Leon County Jail]

Tallahassee, Florida, resident Patrick Bruce, 28, is accused of pouring a cup of semen over the head of a woman doing her homework at a Panera Bread Company restaurant on September 12.

Witnesses state that Bruce sat down at a table next to the victim and her friend and stared at them. He then took a foam fountain cup into the restroom and, upon returning, poured its contents onto the woman’s neck, shoulder, and arms, stating, “Here you go.”

Bruce dropped a cell phone before fleeing. The device was found to contain video of a man masturbating into a foam fountain cup just like the one Bruce brought with him into the men’s room.

Prosecutors have charged Bruce with two charges of battery, indecent exposure, and commission of a lewd and lascivious act. He is already facing an indecent-exposure hearing for a July 29 incident at an establishment named Cancun’s, wherein he walked out of a bathroom with his genitals fully visible and rubbed them against a female employee. [Tallahassee.com]

Naked Man Barges In on Woman’s Workout

College Park Police are on the lookout for a man who interrupted and attempted to join in a female University of Maryland student’s early morning exercise routine on September 27. The man was fully nude.

The student said she was working out on the plaza area of the campus when the intruder suddenly appeared. He first mimicked her routine, then attempted to talk to her. The woman fled and reported the incident. [Baltimore Sun]

Free Willy: Repeat Public Masturbator Won’t Be Locked Up for Life

Dennis James Davidson, Marion County Sheriff's Office

Dennis James Davidson [Marion County Sheriff’s Office]

On September 22, the Oregon State Supreme Court reversed a sentence of life in prison with no possibility for parole that was being served by “incorrigible” public masturbator Dennis James Davidson under Oregon’s “three strikes law” sentencing guidelines.

Between 2006 and 2011, Davidson was arrested for openly masturbating in front of women on a neighbor’s porch, in a park, next to a strip mall, and at a school playground where children were present. His third conviction led to the life sentence.

Ernest Lansett, Davidson’s attorney, successfully convinced the court that not all felony sex offenders should be punished the same way, as their crimes can run from indecent exposure to child rape.

The Supreme Court acknowledged that Davidson had never been accused of raping, sodomizing, or even touching other victims, and therefore his transgression did not warrant “the most severe penalty available under Oregon law, other than the death penalty.” [Oregon Live]

Female Fake Penis–Wielder Appeals Conviction

Gayle Newland, Cheshire Police

Gayle Newland [Cheshire Police]

Gayle Newland, 26, of England, is hoping to overturn her eight-year jail sentence for sexual assault. Newland was convicted for duping a female lover into sex by pretending to be a man and brandishing an artificial penis.

Newland maintains her innocence and claims that the other woman was fully aware of her gender, and that they were engaging in consensual fantasy.

It’s alleged that Newland posed as a male named “Kye Fortune.” She hid her breasts with bandages and disguised herself with a wool hat. When having sex, the other woman wore a blindfold at Newland’s insistence. During the tenth such occurrence, the woman tore off the blindfold and saw Newland brandishing a prosthetic phallus.

Upon convicting Newland, Judge Roger Dutton deemed her to be an “obsessional, highly manipulative, deceitful, scheming, and thoroughly determined young woman.” A Court of Appeals will hear the case on October 12. [Daily Record]

Main photo: Public Domain Pictures