Happy Nude Year! 2017’s Nuttiest Naked Crimes Laid Bare

Robert Kanoff [Tempe Police]/ naked Chicago man [YouTube screenshot] Crayton Coursey [Vero Beach Police Department]

With the au naturel cherub that is Baby New Year ushering in 12 fresh months of nude, possibly lewd potential crimes ahead, let’s turn our gaze back to the unclothed outlaws who made 2017 such a memorable era of unclothed illegality.

1. Naked Chicago Man, “High on Drugs,” Chops Off Penis, Strolls Outside, Gets Tased

CHICAGO, IL — Residents of Chicago’s Irving Park neighborhood awoke on July 25 to the sight and sound of a naked man shouting obscenities on a residential street. He was also bleeding profusely from having just cut off his own penis.

While waiting for police, neighbors shot video of the obviously troubled visitor. The footage depicts officers telling the man to get down on the ground. Instead, he yells, “Get out of here, b—ch!” and rushes toward a female officer who’s standing in an intersection. This move promptly gets him Tased.

Throughout the video, onlookers comment on the action, with one off-camera voice bellowing: “Oh, my God, bro. Shoot his a–! Shoot that motherf—er. This is a time when you shoot people!” Others yell, “Be calm! Be calm!”

Fortunately, the police didn’t follow the shooting advocate’s advice. After subduing the nude man with no further violence, officers took him into custody. Further details regarding who he is or how he got that way were not made available. [CrimeFeed]

Related: Son Stabs Mother & Cuts Off His Own Penis While Under Influence Of Drug “Meow Meow”

2. Two Naked Brothers Trip on Mushrooms, Torment Apartment Complex, Make Out With Each Other Near Dumpster

INDIANAPOLIS, IN — In March 2017, brother Noah Batz, 24, and Timothy Batz, 21, consumed psychedelic mushrooms, stripped naked, and ran roughshod over the apartment complex in which they reside. Their trip ended with 17 charges, including public nudity, battery, and resisting arrest.

Neighbor Aimee Patton first notified police of the Batz boys going batty after stumbling upon the nude siblings on top of each other yelling, “Look at us! Look at us!” As she fled toward her car, Noah Batz allegedly punched Payton in the face.

The complex’s assistant manager told police that the Batzes pounded on her car and threatened to kill her. She also said she witnessed the brothers “grab onto each other’s head and passionately begin making out with one another in front of the dumpster.”

In addition to verbal harassment, the Batz bros reportedly broke into several vehicles and bled on the seats.

Afterward, Payton told the press, “A lot of us are working professionals and so we all work hard for our stuff and to someone tripping out and going around doing dirty stuff is kind of frustrating.” [WXIN]

Related: Nude Dude In Halloween Mask Runs Screaming Through Walmart, Pours Milk All Over Himself

3. Naked Man in Gold Glitter Paint Strolls Through Arizona Walmart

TEMPE, AZ — Last July 10, Tempe police arrested Robert Kanoff, 49, for walking through a local Walmart clad in gold glitter makeup, gold shoes — and nothing else.

At around 10 P.M., Walmart staff and shoppers called the cops regarding a naked man strolling the aisles. Responding officers caught up with Kanoff across the street, still done up in his gilded birthday suit.

Police reported that Kanoff had meth in his possession. If he was hiding it, the cops didn’t specify where. Kanoff allegedly also admitted to having consumed drugs earlier in the day and said two pals had dropped him off in his condition because they thought “it would be funny for him to be naked.” [CrimeFeed]

Related: Naked “Sasquatch” Who Attacked Hunter Gets Conviction Overturned

Crayton Coursey [Vero Beach Police Department]

4. Florida Man Jumps Naked Out of Stolen Van, Hassles People in Parking Lot

VERO BEACH, FL — On February 28, Bank of America employees called 911 to report a naked man sitting in a shuttle van in their parking lot. Before officers arrived, Crayton Coursey, 65, leapt out of the vehicle and yelled at various individuals who approached him.

Upon getting arrested, Coursey claimed he worked for Stellar Transportation, the company whose van he had commandeered. A manager from Stellar promptly announced that Coursey was most assuredly not on their payroll — and asked for their van back.

Cops charged Coursey with felony auto burglary. A month earlier, Coursey allegedly rode off on a motorized shopping cart from a Publix store before crashing it into a medical center. [Sebastian Daily]

Related: Shock Photo — Naked Cannibal Killer In Socks & Sandals Poses With Ax Where He Chopped & Ate Willing Victim

5. Florida Motorist Leaves Car, Rips Off Clothes, Yells “I Am God!,” Wrestles With Cops

MELBOURNE, FL — During a heavy, windy rainstorm on February 22, an unidentified driver on Florida’s busy Eau Gallie Causeway pulled over, lunged out of his vehicle, stripped naked, and ran around shouting “I am God!”

Local police responded rapidly, and initially had some trouble pinning down the nude, slippery man. Melbourne Police Lt. Steven Sadoff said, “They did have to wrestle with him. We didn’t know if he would do something silly or jump off the causeway at that point.”

The man was given dry clothes and taken to a psychiatric facility for evaluation. [Florida Today]

Related: Cops Bust Nearly Nude, Thong-Wearing Driver Covered In Vaseline

6. Naked Woman Storms Through Chapel, Smashes Stuff, Punches Holes in Wall

STAMFORD, CT — On February 21, Celina Kelly, 32, allegedly got “high on drugs” near St. Clement’s Church and broke a basement window of the rectory. She then broke a door with a fire extinguisher, and punched and kicked holes in the drywall of the boiler room.

Throughout the rampage, Kelly reportedly kept asking, “Where is the bomb? Where the f—k is the bomb?!” When police arrived, Kelly acted compliant. She was charged her with criminal mischief.

Rev. Carlos Rodrigues, St. Clement’s pastor, forgave Kelly and took the damage in stride. With a laugh, he told the press, “Yesterday was my first anniversary here! What a gift, right?” The pastor then asked believers to pray for Kelly and added, “Regardless of what she did, she’s still a child of God.” [WCBS]

Related: Dazed & Confused — The Day Matthew McConaughey Was Busted For Pot, Playing Bongos In The Nude

7. Topless Femen Activists Attempt to Steal Vatican Baby Jesus

VATICAN CITY — On Christmas Day, three bare-breasted activists from the “anti-patriarchy” protest group Femen ran through the crowds gathered outside the home of the pope in order, they said, to make a statement against the Catholic church.

Self-described “sextremist” Femen member Alisa Vinogradova, donning the blue headdress of the Virgin Mary (but no shirt), attempted to steal a Baby Jesus figure from a nativity scene. On her bare torso, she painted the words, “God Is A Woman.” Police arrested Vinogradova on the spot.

Femen mouthpiece Inna Shevchenko said the group took their tops off and took action in solidarity with the #MeToo movement, noting, “Our Mary, who is expected to be passive and quiet, now breaks the silence and points out … the assaults of women by the Church.” [Huffington Post]

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Main photos: Robert Kanoff [Tempe Police]/ naked Chicago man [YouTube screenshot] Crayton Coursey [Vero Beach Police Department]

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